Being Okay in the Waiting Phase

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matthew 6:33 

It’s been awhile since I have written anything on my blog thanks to the idea that my time would be more well spent learning about the cardiac and neuro system, Pheochromocytoma, Anabolic steroids, Clomiphene Citrate, Dinoprostone, extrapyramidal symptoms and tardive dyskinsia, how to talk to a schizophrenic patient, how to control the annoying IV pumps in the hospital rooms, and the list goes on and on. Can you tell I just took two exams and am getting ready for three finals next week? I love to learn (is that weird?) and I often find myself sitting around thinking about the human body and how it all works…how something so complex can work extremely well and then in a split second everything can go wrong. However, as much as I love learning and as much as I love thinking about the information we are learning in nursing school, I love even more thinking about love (I would like to think I am not the only female would loves “love” as much as I do). I wrote what’s below a few months ago, but I never posted it because I have read some fabulous blogs recently and mine rank nowhere near these super creative/witty “bloggers.” Nonetheless, I am posting it now just because I can (and because I am bored/procrastinating).

I’m going to stop here and say if you aren’t into the “love” posts, you may just want to save yourself and hit the little “X” in the top right corner :-) I find myself scrolling through Facebook way more than I should and it seems young girls and young women are posting blog after blog about “the perfect man.” Do I read them? Of course! But every time I read them I am left feeling sorry for those who believe there is a perfect man out there, a prince charming, a guy who does EVERY thing every girl could ever want them to do and never ever messes up. I will go ahead and admit that I am not a fan nor am I believer in “finding your prince charming” or "the man of your dreams." I think it’s a lie too many girls/women believe and then when their relationships don’t work they blame it on the man and take no time to look inward.

I spent the first 21 years of my life with no boyfriend, no forehead kisses, and no “good morning” texts, and I lived! Shocker, right? There were times in my life where I did want a boyfriend, where I did want to share my life with someone, and where I did wish I could have my first kiss before I was 40 years old (normal, right?). However, I knew deep down that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I was not confident enough in myself to welcome someone into my life, I was too selfish to make time for a significant other, I was too focused on my goals and dreams to get caught up in “love,” and most importantly, I wasn’t dependent enough on God to define my worth…meaning I knew if I were to choose to be in a relationship, I would be looking to the man to make me feel whole, to make me feel worthy, and to make me feel successful. How fair is that to put that much pressure on another human? It’s not, and he NEVER would have lived up to fill those holes I had in my life. So with that, I knew I wasn’t interested in being in a relationship and that God was not done preparing my heart to be the woman he wants me to be in another man’s life.  Another side fact, I also knew I only wanted to date for marriage. Whether that’s your thing or not (totally okay if it isn’t!), I learned that mentality was best for me. I refused to give any of my heart to another man unless I knew I could potentially marry him, and let me tell you, it sure did save me a lot of heartache and energy.

With all of that to be said, there did come a time in my life (fall of 2014) where I felt ready to open my heart to welcoming someone into my life. After a lot of prayer, a lot of counseling where I learned how to love myself for just being me, a lot of introspection and “self work,” and after meeting the man who would be my best friend long before he was my boyfriend, I felt it was time to open my heart to this whole “love thing.”

Fast forward to over a year and a half later, and I am even more thankful I waited all those years to share my heart with someone; I am even more grateful I waited all those years to open my life to someone; I am even more satisfied that I saved all I had for someone special. Do I believe Kenny is my prince charming and that he can do no wrong? I don’t, and it’s good that I don’t because he sure would have a lot of unfair expectations placed on him.  Do I think I am his answered prayer to a perfect woman? Not at all. However, do I believe Kenny is someone who makes me want to be a better person each and every day of my life? Without a doubt. In fact, Kenny is the only man whom I have given a big piece of my heart to and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wish I could give him even more. Did I look at him in the first few months I knew him and think, “Man! I am going to marry this man.” Nope, sure didn’t. Does he do every single thing those stupid blogs say “the perfect guy” should do? Not so much. But does he point me to God in the gentlest way I have ever seen? Yes, praise Him. Does he speak my love language and make me feel special? Never fails. Does he take wonderful care of my heart and treat me with kindness? Always. (Another side note: Kenny has never, ever, ever raised his voice at me or tried to make me feel less than/unworthy of anything.) You see, while all those nice gestures feel good and make for good Instagram posts (don’t worry, I like to brag when I get surprise flowers, too!), what’s even better is to end each night knowing you are with someone who simply brings out the best in you, someone who respects your values and body, and someone who builds you up to be more faithful for His heavenly Kingdom…even after an awful day when you weren’t the most patient or kind person to be around.

So while many girls are out there searching for “THE one” and sacrificing so much of themselves just to find someone that doesn’t exist, I encourage the young women out there reading this to guard your hearts against false beliefs and empty promises when it comes to dating and love. If you are dying to be in a relationship or really want to be in a relationship, chances are that you aren’t ready for one yet. And that is okay. Being single is wonderful (if you make it that way)! From someone who did things the unconventional way, I would go back and do it all over again and then some. I have no idea what the Lord has in store for my future and Kenny’s future, but in the meantime, I will be thankful every day for getting to live my life next to someone who respects me greatly, loves me well, and builds me up. Is it [super] hard not to jump ahead to the future and not to think about marriage? It is SO hard. But I am always reminded that we aren’t promised tomorrow, and we aren’t promised a marriage. What we are promised is eternal life and the gift of today…today where I can be so thankful for all I have been given.

Kenny is not perfect (although, even a year and a half later I still have to remind myself of this freeing fact because he acts pretty dang perfect 99.99% of the time!). I am not perfect (I am sure he doesn’t have to remind himself of this because it’s quite obvious, haha). However, I love nothing more than being two broken human beings that are living a broken life together all while trying to bring honor and glory to our perfect God. 

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:1-2

Seeking a Christ-Like Heart

“…so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” –Ephesians 3:17-19

While I am sitting on my couch in an apartment piled high with books and papers, with my studying plan in front of me, and while facing exams in each of my classes this week, I have to wonder why I decided this moment would be a good time to write a blog. Maybe it’s because I have not been able to write one in a really long time and I miss it? Maybe it’s because I am so exhausted from studying and want to procrastinate? Or maybe it’s because the concept of this blog has been growing and growing in my heart. My blog is generally intended to reach women, but today I need to blog about a universal ideal that is resonating in my soul -- the idea of having a heart purely for Christ.

It is easy to say we have a heart for Christ, but it isn’t until we ask our Heavenly Father to open our blind eyes to the reality we live in that we truly see how far off we are. It’s easy to say we have a heart for Christ, yet not wait those extra few seconds to hold the door open for someone. It’s easy to say we have a heart for Christ, yet wear clothes that are too tight, too short, or too low-cut. It’s easy to say we have a heart for Christ, yet we talk about Him more than we talk with Him. It’s easy to say we have a heart for Christ, yet make an unkind comment about someone. You see, it’s not about what we say. It is all about what we do.

This might seem obvious to many, if not most of you. However, living on a college campus (which is quite amusing and comical at times!), being in love for the first time, and trying (notice I said trying) to be more and more Christ-like, I have seen many shortcomings in myself. I have also had the honor of speaking with teens and adults who see the same shortcomings within themselves. As Christians -- and I use that term lightly because there are many self-proclaimed “Christians” out there who don’t follow the gospel -- it’s easy to bolster our own faith by comparing ourselves to others. “Well I haven’t done that, so I am okay.” “He/she doesn’t do this like I do, so I am okay.” Let me tell you, comparing ourselves and our faith like this gives us a totally false sense of accomplishment that we are “okay” and “doing enough” for God.

What does it mean to have a Christ-like heart? Not only a heart for Christ, but also a heart like Christ. It should go without saying that absolutely no one who has ever walked this earth, or will ever walk this earth, had or will have the heart of Christ. No one. That doesn’t mean, however, we cannot strive for it every minute of our life.

How? Here’s my list of a few things to think about:

•       Is the attitude and presence you have during your most stressful week (whether it’s exam week, tax week, kids’ out-of-school week) to the person you love most a forgiving, encouraging, and understanding attitude? Or is it an attitude where you know you can act “less than” and the person will still love you?
•       Are the pictures you post on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc. pictures that exude the joy, confidence, and peace found in Christ? Do they represent the purity we are to have?
•       Are the texts you send and the words you speak ones that are pleasing to His ears and His ears alone?
•     Do you wear clothes that allow men to look at you and see you for you, or are they clothes intended to cause men to lust after you?
•       When you are alone, in a rush, and running errands, is the way you treat strangers (elderly, children, cashiers, fast-food workers, etc.) an example of God’s humbleness and passion for goodness?
•       Do you always try to go the extra mile for the people closest to you? Leave them encouraging notes? Surprise them with a meal or their favorite candy? Offer to pray with them?
•      Are the things you do behind closed doors (by yourself or with your significant other) honoring God? Are they honoring your God-made body? (It doesn’t matter if you’re going to end up getting married in the future.) I know this one is easily “justified” by many people, but there is no such thing as justification for our sins. It’s called repentance…and not doing it again. Although forgiveness is given to us through the cross, it by no means is a free pass to continue our sinful life.
•      Are your thoughts about other people, whether you know them or not, Christ-centered? Holy and blameless?

I write these questions as a way to challenge/remind us all of how we need to be acting, especially those of us who proclaim Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. It’s not about asking for prayers or posting a bible verse here and there when you need it most, yet going out to the clubs on the weekends and getting drunk for everyone to see. It’s not about reading scripture once a week, and then disrespecting others, or complaining about your life to the whole world. It’s not about praying only when you need guidance and when you need forgiveness; it’s about praying for other people and praying when life is awesome. You see, it isn’t about what we say. It’s about what we do. It is about a life abiding in Christ.

Only by living a life of discipline with our hearts; having our minds and words full of mercy; having a humble, servant’s heart; and giving ourselves over for the welfare of others and the glory of God’s kingdom, can we begin to have a Christ-like heart. We must strip ourselves of the world’s loves and concerns and live a life that is set apart from the world; one that is set to do the will of our Father above. As Paul wrote to Timothy, “No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.” (2 Tim 2:4).

Loving with our whole heart is all about bringing pleasure to the One we love.

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

"Small Blessings"

“For what gives you the right to make such a judgment? What do you have that God hasn't given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift?” -1 Corinthians 4:7

Since moving to Huntsville and living on my own again, I have been blessed with the opportunity to slow down, sit back, and observe. Transitioning from a year of nonstop on-the-go, a year where I really only spoke with adults or children (not many people my age), a year where I felt I constantly had to think about everything I did from fear of other people’s judgments, a year where people found satisfaction judging my every move yet a year where I was constantly built up by people I knew well and by people I barely knew, a year where people knew me as “Miss Georgia,” and a year that was completely unpredictable proved to be more difficult than I thought.

I moved to Huntsville four months ago with an unrealistic expectation for myself; the expectation I would jump right back into school after 1.5 years off and be just fine, the expectation I would feel no pressure because no one out here knew I was Miss Georgia, the expectation I would connect with those around me right off the bat, and the expectation I would continue on my uphill road to recovery with no relapse. Well, the opposite happened. I really struggled transitioning back into studying and memorizing things other than people’s names and the familiar questions one gets as a state titleholder. I struggled with releasing the pressure I still felt. I struggled connecting deeply with people around me, even though I made friends right away.  I undoubtedly relapsed in recovery and found myself in the hospital for five nights instead of attending Miss America 2014 and getting to reunite with all my friends.

With as many things going “wrong," I was still able to enjoy the things around me and the people around me. A concept I did not previously know. As many of you can relate, all-or-nothing thinking is easy to fall victim to. Throughout my journey of recovery and growth, the idea of being mindful and appreciating the small things has been drilled into my head. Even in the middle of stress from not being able to memorize all my Microbiology definitions and tables, God reminded me to stop and enjoy my new bedroom I was able to decorate. In the middle of failing at trying to balance classes, fun, quiet time, health, and sleep, I was reminded to step outside everyday and thank the mighty hands of God that created the blissful sky and the sturdy ground beneath us. In the middle of fighting for my life and freedom again and realizing I didn’t live up to my own expectation of not relapsing, I was gently reminded of the small victories. The victories of waking up and eating breakfast; the victories of being content with setting my schoolbooks down and watching TV; the victories of not feeling betrayed and frustrated with myself and with God when I made poor choices for my recovery, but instead taking the time to learn from them. While these victories may seem very small to you all, as they did to me at the time, I want to remind you it’s the small victories that carry us through day by day. It’s not the work promotion, the full ride scholarship, the winning of a state title, a high A on an exam, or being freed from whatever stronghold Satan has on your life. No, life is not about those things. Life is about searching for the “small” victories every second of every day.

In a society that brings attention to only the biggest of accomplishments and a society that perpetuates the idea of measuring one’s success based on salary, job title, worldly accomplishments, school status, etc., it is too easy to disregard the small victories because "they aren’t a big deal.” Each small victory of yours is a blessing from God, and when you undermine your small victories, you are undermining God’s intricate works.

Whether you have no money in the bank, cannot seem to live a healthy lifestyle, are battling an addition of any kind (sex, alcohol, food, control, success, etc.), overwhelmed with your career and the work load, feel like you’re failing as a parent, or just feeling down, I want to encourage you to take out a piece of paper and write three things you have done correctly today. Trust me, you can think of at least three. Continue writing as many down as you can (waking up and getting out of bed, eating breakfast, getting ready, encouraging someone, praying, running errands, taking a few minutes for yourself, and the list goes on and on). You are able to do each one of those things by the grace of God. They might be viewed as small victories in your mind, but they are the work of our Heavenly Father!! Praise God.

This might seem redundant to many of you as the saying “search for the silver lining” is tossed around all the time, but it is a practice (yes, a continuous practice, not a skill one ever truly accomplishes) worth being reminded of. I see things on social media all the time where people preface their posts with an awesome blessing/miracle from God, yet they end it with a “but….” Do not fall into the trap of allowing the bigger worries to undermine the smaller triumphs, as  “every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

Be grateful for where you are today, as where you are today is further than you were yesterday. Do life with God, not with yourself. Christ knows you. Christ loves you and gave His life for you. His love paid the price for mercy. He never leaves us on our own. The proof of grace over your life makes your life a trophy for God.

Father, I come before you today with a wrecked heart. A heart with a burning desire to never complain and to always be thankful for each and every thing in life, but a mind that continually falls victim to society’s standards and stressors. A heart that yearns to please Your presence, but a mind that allows outside worries to silence that deep yearning. God, I pray you will continue shaking my soul and reminding me my small victories are the works of Your unrelenting grace; that you will remind all those reading this of Your expectations and requests and remind them it is the small wins that will carry them through day by day…not the big ones. I praise Your name, God, and I thank you for loving me and never giving up on me. In your precious and powerful name, Amen.

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

What the Newspaper and TV Interviews Cut Out….

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." -Romans 5:3-5

“Hey, you’re that Miss Georgia with an Eating Disorder, right?” “You look so familiar. Are you that girl who was on TV/in the newspaper about having an eating disorder?” Yes, that’s me. My story is out there for all to see. Google my name or Google "Miss Georgia 2012 eating disorder," and you can read article upon article about Miss Georgia being in treatment. You can read fact based information about my story; you can read dramatized information about my story; you can read my story as much or as little as you would like. Have you noticed the common denominator in all those statements? “My story.”

Yes, I know very well in order to reach people and relate to people, one must be open about their own struggles. From day one when I decided to speak openly about currently being in treatment for bulimia, I have been very upfront and honest. There are only about two-three common questions in which I refuse to answer (“how much do you weigh?” being one of them), but other than that, I have remained true to my open and honest personality.

However, I want to take some time to share the “stuff” that always seems to get edited out. Lack of space, lack of drama, or lack of interest, I don’t know, but one reason or the other, it never fails to get cut out.  So allow me to clarify: I did not open up about my journey in order that people may read my story over and over again. I opened up for the chance to raise more awareness about eating disorders and to help decrease the negative stigma that comes along with the name, to be living proof eating disorders affect anyone, to break the shame I so heavily felt and the shame/guilt many still carry around, and to remind those struggling in silence they are not alone. Many have referred to my story as a “source of hope.” So allow me to share what I believe to be more helpful than just reading my story.

To the parents: Don't blame yourselves. This isn't any one person's fault. Don't spend so much time wondering "what did I do wrong?" or "how did I let this happen?" and instead focus on "how can I be there for my child?" Your job in recovery, as parents, is not to save your child's life. It is to stand by them while they save their own life. 

To parents in general: Be careful. Be very cautious of your own comments and actions toward your body image, diet, and exercise. Also be aware of comments you say pertaining to other people’s bodies (even if they’re positive comments). It is the innocent comments spoken every day that place far too much emphasis on body image while taking focus away from meaningful human attributes. I am sure you don't mean for this to be the outcome, but your child is internalizing it all and using your comments to set an unrealistic standard on how they should look.

To those who know someone with an ED or are on their "support team:" Educate yourselves. There are things to say and things that are better not to say. Education is key in being a helpful source of support!

To those considering treatment: Go! Even if you only go to a consultation, at least you have gained a little bit of power over the eating disorder and taken responsibility for your future. If that seems too big of a step, research EDA meetings in your area or other eating disorder support groups. (More info on this below)

To those currently in treatment: Hang in there and hold on with every ounce of your being, and when you cannot hang on any longer, trust those around you to hold you up. I know full well recovery seems impossible when you are just starting treatment, or are in the middle of it (and sometimes even at the end), but it is worth the hard work many around you won’t understand. Be patient. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. It is a slow process, sometimes painful and infuriating, and sometimes overly rewarding and life giving. Which would you rather lose: a year or so while spending time in treatment to gain your whole life, or continue losing years from your life while remaining in the depths of your eating disorder?

Nutrifit Sport Therapy (Page Love, MS, RD, CSSD):

FREE ANAD (eating disorder support) group every Saturday 10-11am

For more information, contact: Page Love, RD at 770-395-7331.

St. Luke’s Presbyterian Church Room 145

1978 Mt. Vernon Rd Atlanta, GA 30338 770-393-1424

FREE breakfast club meetings once a month

Changes monthly alternating Thursdays and Saturdays.  The one for September is Saturday Sept 14th at Flying Biscuit on Roswell Road at 8:30

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” -1 Samuel 16:7

Most recent Atlanta Journal Constitution article (leaked onto this site, so it doesn't include pictures). http://www.individual.com/storyrss.php?story=180371869&hash=99b5cd4c2e72e22d5107428d2830d1f6

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

www.missga2012.blogspot.com